I got off the bus

Last Wednesday I got off the bus.

I had a lesson with Noam at the Hartman Institute at 10:45 am and then a Hebrew lesson with Sharon at 1. At 2:15 pm, I boarded a bus headed for downtown and settled into a nice backward facing window seat.

The bus drove down Emek Refaim. I started thinking about the situation in Gaza. About how scary it must be to be a civilian in Sderot - to wake up every morning with the fear that a missile might come through your kitchen window. How terrifying it must be to be a civilian in Gaza - to not be able to sleep out of fear for the lives of your family and friends. How horrifying it must be to be an Israeli soldier - to be an 18-year-old boy who has been ordered to perpetuate violence and fear.

The bus turned onto Keren Hayesod. I started thinking about times that violence has escalated in Israel. About riots in the streets. About stone throwing in the Old City. About burning restaurants. About suicide bombers.

The bus continued onto King George. I started to think about how many Palestinians must have woken up fearful and angry, rightfully in many cases, this morning. About what fear and anger make people do. About how many people whose faces and bodies I couldn't see were on that bus. And I got off.

I stood at the bus stop and watched the bus drive down the street. I watched it until it became very small in the distance and had already passed my stop. And I started to walk home, feeling silly and embarrassed and confused.

But I think what I really felt was Israeli. I was so viscerally conscious at the moment when I reached up and pressed the STOP button, 3 stops before mine, what it might be like to be an Israeli citizen and live in fear everyday of a terrorist attack.

In the days since I have tried to get the root of the confusion that this incident has caused for me. Confusion about what kind of fear and violence warrants war. About what kind of injustices make people feel that terrorism is the only viable option. About what right people who don't live in Israel or the Palestinian territories have to think they understand this situation.

Or maybe, how necessary it is for those people whose vision isn't clouded by fear, to get involved.